Now that I have your attention let’s talk about being vulnerable, honest about our needs and wants, and stop lying to ourselves and others. Let’s first be able to strip down naked (metaphorically) and stare at our vulnerability without self-judgement. I was looking for a podcast to inspire and not necessarily entertain me this week, and found Oprah’s Soul Conversations. The first one in hit me so damn hard, made me cry (thanks Oprah), and set me on a mission to really find some truths about myself, my needs, and my shame surrounding why I can’t admit those things to myself honestly. Let’s just say this will be a work in progress, but I have come to some realizations that I want to share as the part of my journey where I lay it all out and stand naked in front of you all.
I started with the very cliche, “what do I want?” question. Not what do I want that is comfortable to admit, but what do I REALLY want in the bottom of my darkest corner of my subconscious. I’m still coming up with new revelations but I do have some truths I found that I would like to admit to the world.
- I want to make money. Not just to get by, but to be beyond just comfortable.
- I want for people to like me.
Money And Shame As A Healer
Let’s dissect the first one; money. I absolutely hate admitting that I want to make money doing what I love. It feels like cleaning out a nasty hair and goo compacted bathroom sink drain when I think about it. It feels bad; if I want money for helping others can I truly help others because by default I’m bad? Why do I feel like this? Well, there’s social media to start with. I’m on it all the time for work and for simply entertainment purposes. All over the internet there are memes, quotes, and rants from self-righteous “light workers” preaching their version of how being a “healer” works. Most of them shy away from anything that has to do with admitting that you want to help others BUT also want to make a good living at it. I’ve listened to the ranting and ego-stroking preaching of “light workers” two feet in front of me and even though I don’t agree with that person, it still sent a ripple of shame down my spine that I want to make money. This person I spoke about in a previous podcast is classic example a toxic narcissistic personality using claiming the identity as “light worker” to self-sooth. The incidents that I want to point to as far as money shaming goes is when this person cut off and demeaned each person who mentioned abundance or prosperity for vendors at the metaphysical fair. It was rude, but it also got to me if I’m honest. It does show just how deep my shame goes when a person like that, that I am completely in disagreement with as to how to conduct ones self, can reinforce that shame. There’s a stigma that you can’t possibly help people AND want to make money off of that gift or skill. My brain knows that is absolutely false. Here’s what I came up with for my equation on where I’m at as a result.
Past Accumulated Trauma Surrounding Money + Stigma With Healers And Money + Shame = Living In A Space of Lacking
I am living in a space of lacking because if I make money at what I do to help others, I must be bad. The toxic message is this in a false equation that my subconscious is deeming truth:
Helping Others + Money = Fraud And/Or Low Self Worth
This is wrong, so damn wrong. If you are genuinely trying to make the world a better place using your God given gifts, then why should you be condemned to a life of poverty? Is it so you don’t look bad to others? Is it because you don’t fully believe you are helping people? Self-doubt and the need for acceptance are two issues that I think we all have.
Self-doubt is something I struggle with on a daily basis and if I’m honest it’s more accurately an hourly basis. I know I can help people and see the results, but that part of me that feels never good enough creeps in and puts a little mark on each experience I have using my gifts. At some point if I don’t get a handle on it, I won’t be able to help others because of my lack of self-confidence. This revelation shook me a bit. I don’t ever want to stop and the fear of not being able to use my gifts scared the shit out of me.
I Need You To Like Me And I Hate That
Need for acceptance is a phrase I loathe and have tried to resist and destroy in myself my entire life. My mother drove it into me from a very early age the sentence, “What will people think?”. Every time I wanted to wear an outfit that wasn’t normal for our little spot on the globe, every time I spoke up about something that girls shouldn’t talk about, or when I questioned the religion we were brought up in I was asked a variant of that question. I learned so much when I was going through my Mind Body Wellness program. A part of that program was for being a Life Coach and Spiritual Coach, so we got to dig into our shadows a bit and learn from it so that we may help others. Something that stood out to me was this statement; “People do the best they can in each moment with the information they have at that moment.” It took me a bit to fully understand what that meant until I applied that to my mother and her methods of raising me. She may have done some unacceptable things but her childhood and example of mothering children wasn’t perfect either. She had depression and anxiety battles from before I can even remember, so she did the best that she could in each moment with the information she had. She fully subscribes to the idea that if you dress well, are thin, and are pretty then you avoid pain. For her I think that meant rejection. So she was trying to make me conform to help me avoid pain, which every mother tries to do; keep their kids protected from pain. I claim to not care what anyone thinks, but my upbringing has driven into my subconscious that it is imperative for survival to conform to be liked. This has in turn created a fear surrounding social situations, community involvement, and connecting with others. So I am working on it. I meditate, use affirmations, and am trying to reprogram that part of my thought process. I can’t tell you when I will be healed from this but I will get progressively better with time.
I Know I Have Issues, Now What?
What do I do now that I have these ah-ha moments? Be vulnerable. Allow myself to be uncomfortable, like airing all this out on a podcast and blog. I will own my TRUE wants and needs. I will check myself often when I feel angry, sad, or frustrated. If I am feeling this emotion, is it tied to anything I’m not admitting to myself. I am positive I have many more truths to uncover about myself but I think this was a great start.
My challenge to you is to be vulnerable with yourself. Strip down and do the work. Pick one thing, like your wants. What do you want in your relationship with your partner or friend? Job? Hobby? Olivia Pope (badass boss bitch character in Scandal) says is the number one rule to ask a client, “What do you want?”. It’s a complete cliche, but it is a good place to start if you can truly be honest with yourself. Do you want kinky sex and don’t want to admit that to yourself, let alone your partner? Well, why do you feel you can’t admit that? Start there, with that shame. That word runs our lives sometimes whether we want to admit that or not. That shame and reason you had a hard time admitting that to yourself is the real knowledge nugget you are after, not the want itself. You can want a lot of things, but the things we want that we work at hiding from ourselves are the things we should be picking apart and working on if we want to grow.
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